Monthly Archives: September 2009

Monday night I finished the second installment of the Twilight Saga, New Moon. It left me with an overwhelming feeling of pain for Jacob and the love he had given to Bella, who just threw it right out the window when Edward walked back into her life. I’ve never been one for love triangles, and this storyline is no exception, but as I turn the pages of Eclipse, the third book of four, I’m finding myself less and less impressed with Edward… and more and more pained for Jacob’s loss.

Alice is still my favorite character, but for now I’ve switched from Team Cullen to Team Jacob. We’ll see how this book pans out before I retract my change in judgement.

The last time Heather came to visit Sam and I, her and I spent a full day shopping downtown. It was like bringing a kid into a candy store - she was enthralled with the sheer selection of STORES! and CLOTHING! and ACCESSORIES! and OMG ACCSESORIES! She had warned me that she hadn’t brought an empty suitcase with her because she hadn’t planned to actually buy anything, but that quickly went out the window as we passed storefront after storefront that drew her in like a magnet.

Nothing compared to her reaction to having found the biggest XXI (also known as Forever 21) store she’d ever seen. To her, it was HUGE - TWO WHOLE LEVELS OF AWESOME. She practically drug me through the doors of the upper level at a full speed run and then, after twenty minutes of following her around like a faithful pet, she squeezed my arm and begged me to let her peruse the lower level as well. Despite my strong distaste for the clothing style of this store, I happily obliged. We tromped down the stairs and I swear she nearly fainted from pure bliss. She immediately flew to a rack full of club wear, holding up crazy top after crazy top saying things like,

“James would LOVE this!”

and,

“I NEEEEEEEEEEED this, Ester. I mean NEEEEEED. Absolute NECESSITY!”

I have to admit, the whole time I just felt fatter and fatter. Not a single piece of clothing on any of those racks would have even made it up and over my calves, nevermind anything else. As I was trying not to express the fact that I was wallowing in self pity, she yelled my name in front of the HUNDREDS of teenage girls scouring the racks to get my attention.

“ESTER! Do you think I could rock these??”

I looked over to see her waving a tiny pair of what are aptly named “liquid leggings” wildly above her head with as much excitement as if she’d just won the Kentucky Derby. I took one look at the long, super skinny latex leggings and she could read the doubt on my face like a book. I wasn’t convinced, which made her laugh her amazing laugh. Which made me laugh my loud, obnoxious laugh. And then we were laughing so hard that tears were streaming down our faces and customers and employees alike were probably hoping we would just leave already.

Not ten, not twenty, but THIRTY minutes later, we’d finally made it to the clothing section near the fitting rooms. To my dismay, as I was already sweating from head to toe in the stifling heat and claustrophobia brought on by eleven billion teenage shoppers, the fitting room line was LONG. I mean winding around and around long. The wait was brutal, but finally it was her turn. She smiled at me one last time and ducked into the dressing room.

Ten minutes went by. Then it was fifteen. And then twenty. By this time, I’m nearing a panic attack from the amount of people around me and I was certain that someone must have turned the heat to 100 degrees inside the store. Finally, just when I thought I’d lost her in the fitting room, she bounded out with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.

“THEY FIT!!” she announced with a satisfied sigh.

The liquid leggings I’d been so skeptical of not only fit, but looked AMAZING on her. Those leggings were MADE for her legs. She couldn’t have been happier. She ducked back into her dressing room and came back out a few minutes later in her own clothes. After waiting in another ten minute line to check out, we headed back out into the mall.

We couldn’t resist the temptation of Claire’s cheap, cute accessories and in we went. Twenty minutes later we’d both picked out a few things, including a black flower headband that she said looked amazing with my pixie haircut, and a red stretch bracelet made of red buttons that she had fallen in love with.

A few days later, I chatted with her while she packed her things to go back to Seattle with Sandi for a few days before dragging herself back home to Alaska. She was upset that she hadn’t been able to catch James on Skype like she normally does the night before, and I was reassuring her that she would get a hold of him soon. When she hugged me goodbye, she mentioned she’d lost an earring and a sock in our spare bedroom. I told her if I found them, I’d mail them to her. She laughed and told me to go ahead and keep the dirty sock.

If I had known that was the very last time I would see Heather, I would have said so much more. I would have hugged her harder and longer, I would have told her just how much she really meant to me. I would have apologized again for the couple years in my late teens that I was really awful to her (and everyone else in my life, for that matter), and I would have explained more in detail just how much having her in my life had changed me for the better.

I have now searched that upstairs room from top to bottom three times, and I have yet to find neither an earring nor a dirty sock. I cannot express how badly I wanted to find SOMETHING. Anything. Something to remind me of her; a token in her honor. Eventually, I will accept that she hadn’t actually left anything… and that I need to stop hoping for something that just isn’t there.

Just like the hope that she will come back to me. To us. To everyone who loves her.

Heather, today I wear the black flower headband, for you. I miss you so much it makes me sick to my stomach. I love you, and I’m really struggling with this. But I will prevail, because I know you wouldn’t want me to wallow in misery forever. You would tell me to pick myself up and deal with this in a healthy way. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

This weekend has been a strange mixture of both relaxation and frantic running around. And because I love lists so much, here’s the rundown in bullet form:

• I’ve gone back to red in honor of Heather.

• Saturday afternoon was the dreaded Vet Appointment for Wednesday and Gir. As I’ve mentioned before, there’s nothing quite like a Big Scary Car Ride followed by a Big Scary Unfamiliar Building full of Big Scary Unfamiliar People who are poking, prodding, and sticking needles into various parts of your body before one more Big Scary Car Ride. I assure you it was a really great time.

Thankfully, both kittehs received a clean bill of health and are now up to date on the shots required by Multnomah County. All that’s left is to send in my $12 per cat to register them for another year. I still don’t understand this whole registering your animal idea, as not only did I adopt them as strays from the Humane Society, but I paid $119 per animal. Per animal! Just to take them home when no one else would! That seems outrageous to me, but I justified it in thinking they must be using this money to cover the operating expense of the animal shelter, which I’m happy to contribute to. But now that they are adopted, Multnomah County requires that I keep them up to date on certain shots, and I am required to pay $12 a year per cat just to own them. I’d like to know just exactly where that money goes, because I really doubt it goes to the Humane Society.

• This morning Sam and I headed to Saturday Market one last time before the RAIN RAIN RAIN starts. Just about every time we wander around the market, I find extremely creative pieces of jewelry that really call out to me - but I’m most often turned away by the prices. I understand that by being handmade, it deserves such a price, but I simply can’t afford much. This time, as we passed by a booth full of spoons skillfully made into everything from chandeliers to bangles, I couldn’t justify NOT investing in something of such awesome magnitude. I mean, the ENTIRE BOOTH was full of THOUSANDS of recycled spoons, all warped and bent into creative jewelry, candle holders, wind chimes, even eyewear. Needless to say, I fell in love with not one but two spoon rings, and I couldn’t be happier with my purchase. How much more AWESOME could a recycled jewelry piece be?!

You can also find these at SpoonMan.com

• Day 3 of Project: Help Ester Feel Better seems to be off to a good start. The plan of action my doctor and I decided on seems to be a good one, so far at least. I’m still really hopeful and thinking positive about the change. I hope it continues in this pattern.

• My hair just keeps getting longer and longer, as I have successfully kept myself from taking Sam’s buzzers to it for about 4 months now. The front is so long, in fact, that I’ve been wearing it up in a small ponytail the past few days. Just because I can! It has been YEARS since I’ve had a ponytail of any kind, and I’m excited to continue growing out the back to hopefully reach my goal of short pigtails by Christmas. [See photo below of 3 Christmas's ago - note the wee piggies.]

• Sam and I ended what may very well be our last sunny weekend with a feast of BBQ chicken. One word: DELICIOUS.

And now, I must get back to my evening of relaxation. A wonderful girl named Betty Suarez is waiting for me. :)

My Big Scary Doctor’s Appointment this morning went considerably well I think. It was strange to talk about what’s going on with a complete stranger, which surprised me because I’m generally a very blunt, open person. But I did feel safe in the office setting and I found myself pretty comfortable with the doctor.

We were successfully able to assess the major issues I’m dealing with and come up with a realistic plan of action to help get me back to feeling somewhat normal again. Ha, normal - it has now been so long since I’ve felt normal that I’m not even sure exactly what that feels like anymore. But I do know that I am 100% ready to start healing from the pain of having lost a best friend, and to start enjoying all the things I used to love doing. I am ready to try whatever it takes to get me there.

I admit I’m both a bit nervous and extremely relieved at having gotten the ball rolling. I’m just glad I didn’t chicken out.

Sam: Do you know why there is no gambling in Africa?
Me: Uhm, no?
Sam: Because of the cheetahs!!!

Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!

Life is painfully short and fragile. Anyone’s life can end at any given second, with or without warning. Dealing with Heather’s untimely death is compelling me to live mine to the fullest, from the big things to the very small.

From this moment on, I am making a positive change in my lifestyle. No longer will I take every second, every minute, every day on this Earth for granted. I have just a short while to live the life I have been given, and I intend to truly enjoy however long I’ve got left starting right this very minute.

In the words of the famous Dr. Seuss:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

I’ve just finished Twilight and I feel as if I know the Cullens personally. I feel like I connect with Edward, Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper (Rosalie isn’t very personable in the first book, so I’ve found myself resenting her for being so icy towards Bella) in a way that makes me saddened by having finished the first installment in the series. Not so much sad that the book is over, but sad that with the first book down, just three are left before I’ll have read them all - and then what will I do to distract myself from the pain of having lost a very close friend just twenty days ago? But I digress; that is a worry for another day.

Since 8th grade when I read the six book The Last Vampire series by Christopher Pike, I’ve been enthralled with vampires. Their strength, their speed, their heightened senses, and of course their devastating attraction and overwhelming beauty. I am absolutely positive that, if given the opportunity, I would wholeheartedly agree to endure whatever necessary to be changed. I would happily become a vampire, despite the downfalls.

Downfalls like having to live for eternity, unless someone was to shred your body and burn the pieces. Downfalls like being unable to sleep, or unable to turn off the ability to read everyone’s minds within a two mile radius. Downfalls like seeing visions of the future, both wonderful and horrific. Downfalls like three days of excruciating pain as the vampire venom races through the veins of a human who has been bitten. Downfalls like having to drink blood - human, animal, or otherwise - to keep up your strength; not even able to starve yourself to death if you no longer desired to hunt living things to satisfy the most basic of vampiric needs.

Right now, right this very moment, if a vampire were to give me a choice I absolutely would not decline the offer. There has got to be something more to life than the boring, repetitive human being existence we live as a species. I can imagine no better way to cure the dullness of humanity than with passion, excitement, danger, painfully good looks, and the prospect of eternity. Somehow, in comparison, mortality seems like the short end of the stick, don’t you think?

After a four day hiatus including a whirlwind weekend, I am now on page 337 of Twilight (out of 498 pages, making Twilight officially the longest book I’ve ever read), and I must admit no matter how hard I try, I cannot get Bella and Edward’s relationship out of my head. It really makes me wonder: where has real, true, passionate, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY DIE WITHOUT YOU AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE romance gone? (If you haven’t yet read Twilight, it doesn’t detail just any sort of love, but an eternal, obsessive, it’s-barely-possible-to-describe-how-strong kind of love that at one point literally causes Bella to faint when Edward simply kisses her.)

“I told you — you don’t see yourself clearly at all. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever known. You fascinate me.”
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 12, p.245

“You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever.”
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.274

The trouble is, the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe this idea of romance has only ever been in the pages of books, and that I’ve managed to trick myself into thinking a love like the one described in Twilight can be possible in the current day and age we live in. Maybe that level of romance has simply been made up since the beginning of literature. Maybe the degree of romance described so passionately is only realistic in the pages of a work of fiction.

“The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer.”
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.303

“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”
Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.304

Regardless, I am wholeheartedly enjoying the book and the romance unfolding within it’s pages, however unrealistic it may be.

Sam and I work just a few miles from each other. Every work morning we hop in our separate cars and head to work together. My freeway exit comes first; his is the one after. Usually, when I’m getting over into the far right lane to exit, we time it so we can wave goodbye to each other. From there, it’s just a few short blocks until I’m at work, and Sam drives the extra 5 miles or so to his work, comforted by having seen me make it off the freeway safely.

This morning was no exception, but Sam has been driving his race car to work which makes him incredibly excited. And I don’t mean just regular excited; I mean EXCITED. I’m talking ear-to-ear shit eating grin excited. Happy dance excited. Little girl squealing excited. THAT excited. And rightly so, as this car has been THREE YEARS in the making. I’d be squealing like a schoolgirl, too, if it were my project that was finally complete after three long years.  

As he pulled up next to me on the freeway grinning ear to ear, ecstatic to have FINALLY gotten the chance to drive and enjoy his toy, he looked over at me, leaned out the window and mouthed the words “I love you”.

I love you, too, Sam. It makes me happy to see you so happy. Yay for you!