Monthly Archives: February 2008

that’s all.

:’(

I could not have said this better myself.

Starbucks The Way I See It #247:

i’m doing much, much better today. work meeting went great (they’ve been tense lately, so a great meeting was relieving), and HP just emailed me the sweetest message. i know it sounds sickening and silly, but i am absolutely THE luckiest girl on the planet. i had a long bout of Girl Talk last night with meko and it made me realize what i have with HP (and unfortunately for meko, what she doesn’t have). it truly makes me appreciate how respectful and loving HP is. i couldn’t have asked for a better man. i’m so greatful to have him.

on the downside, meko told me i’m the most uptight person she knows. sigh. it’s sad that my responsible and sensible mannerism is mistaken for being uptight. i’m not an uptight person at all. moderately anti-social, yes, but not uptight. i’m pretty damn easy going, really. i’m extremely responsible and have many things i have to keep in check - car payments, insurance, rent, house bills. i’m forced to act significantly older than i am b/c i live a lifestyle most people don’t live until they’re much older. i’ve been through a lot.. i’ve been married and divorced, i’ve been through a very traumatic experience that caused me to face things i shouldn’t have, i’ve seen pills ruin a person’s life (including mine for a time). it’s hard to stay innocent and ‘act my own age’ when i’m forced to view the world in a much more mature sense. and i guess if that’s seen as my being uptight, there’s nothing i can do about it. i’m not uptight, but i’m also not going to change the way i am.

tonight is TLC night with HP. i’m seriously lacking in the cuddling department. we’re going to make dinner, start a fire in our fireplace and watch 12 Monkeys. it’s going to be lovely, i can’t wait. i really need some down time with him. stupid hormones are making me feel weird lately and i don’t like it.

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still haven’t heard a word from HP today.. i’m sure he’s just super busy and probably away from his desk all day so far. still, with the way i’ve been feeling lately, it doesn’t help me feel any better.

i’m desperately trying not to be needy or bothersome - that’s what i fear most. but it’s hard not to when i honestly need a little reassurance right now. things have changed at home now that the roommies moved out. it’s just us now, and i spend most of my time cleaning, finding places to put our everyday things. it’s incredibly exciting and fun, but it’s not the drastic change i was expecting.

maybe that’s b/c they still have keys to our house. that’s about to change on the 1st. i think maybe then, it will really sink in for both of us - we have our own place. our own house to do with what we will, to make food when we want, to do laundry when we want, to shower whenever we feel like it. it’s incredible, it really is.

but the added stress of finances puts a damper on our excitement. we’re now solely responsible for the rent and bills that our 3 bedroom 2 bath house incurs. (that word looks wrong, but it’s in fact spelled correctly, my OCD forced me to check it.)

anywho, i’m at work. and should probably be actually working rather than typing away on here… but i needed to vent. sometimes just getting things out makes them all better.

idk if i’m “better”, but i’m certainly more relaxed now that i’ve just gotten it out. i’m going to talk to HP tonight. maybe if i just let him know i’m feeling like this, we can talk it out and i’ll realize i’m being over-emotional for no reason. i’m sure that would help ease my emotions. stupid girly hormones. :’(

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it has been a fantastic weekend. no really, all of it. it feels like forever since i’ve had a perfect weekend, and this one most definitely came close. a couple blips here and there, but all in all a great two days off. spent all day saturday happily deep cleaning the entire downstairs of the house. i touched every single nook, cranny, surface and crevice in our living room and kitchen, and i finished up the last bit of laundry we had to do. overall it was probably the most productive day off i’ve spent in over a year. and so satisfying - i spent all day finding places to put everything and decorating the living room now that it’s our home (and not just a house we sleep in). it’s a great feeling, it really is. i can’t explain it so that anyone could possibly understand - the sheer absolute lack of 99.97% of my severe anxiety.. it’s a remarkable feeling, and something that i’ll never be able to fully express to anyone who hasn’t suffered from such anxiety.

sadly, no fires this weekend… our fireplace is beautiful when its buring, and our living room get super warm and cozy. HP promised tomorrow we would light one.

random fact of the weekend: i discovered not only do i sortofkindof like mustard, i love corndogs now. i hated both growing up. how strange that my tastes have changed… this isn’t the only change i’ve noticed the past year or two. hmm. wonder if that’s normal.

Dear Derek,

I can’t explain how much I miss you. I think of you every day. Happy birthday on this sunny Friday, if only I could tell you in person. We’d laugh about old times and think on life ahead of us… only now you aren’t here. Your IM screen name sits offline.. a lifeless reminder of you.

Life just isn’t the same without you. You brought me back to Alaska, buddy. Just for you. I said I’d never go back and I did. For 10 days. For you. I wish it were under better circumstances. I wish we could have played hockey again at the middle school like we used to.. and walk laps back and forth around the dry side of the Big Dipper, talking about boys and girls and the trouble they get us into.

I’ve lost a great friend, an amazing person and a lifelong shoulder to cry on. I grieve for you this February 15th.

Happy birthday, Rooster.

I miss you so much.♥

i’m struggling with insomnia again. i hate it. i’m literally falling asleep through movies and then as soon as i lay down in bed, i can’t shut my brain down. it’s on auto-pilot or something. nyquil gives me horrible nightmares and tylenol PM doesn’t seem to do much of anything. i really do think it’s b/c i’m so damn excited about so many things. i have so much going on in this head of mine that i can’t calm down enough to fall asleep and i end up tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning.

last night, i finally fell asleep around 11 or so, only to be woken up to find the power just went out. this caused my computer to shut down and our touch lamp to turn on when the power flicked back on a few seconds later. can’t sleep with the light on and our alarm clock was blinking 12:00, so i trudged down the stairs to look at the Comcast cable box - 2:37am. sigh. go back upstairs, turn off the touch lamp and let HP know he needs to reset the alarm clock. we go back to sleep.

what feels like 5.27 seconds later, i wake up again with the same thing - the power flicking off and back on caused our touch lamp to turn on again. i drag myself out of bed yet AGAIN and slump down the stairs to look at the current time - 4:50am. deeper sigh. i’m tired. it’s cold outside of the covers. i’m cranky. wake HP up to have him reset the alarm clock again. he’s grumpy, it’s not a good 2 minutes. go back to sleep.

surprisingly enough, after showering and getting ready, i felt really rested. i think that has everything to do with the fact that it was completely light outside - i wore my sunglasses on my way to work! does that mean summers coming? b/c i’m ready. ohmygod i’m so ready. i need to wash my car.