Monthly Archives: January 2008

wow, 5 days since my last post. seems like eons have gone by.

great things are happening  - so much so that i’m going through serious insomnia. i’m just too damn excited about everything.. when i finally lay down, my brain just races and i can’t fall asleep. too many things to think about… rooms to plan, a kitten to adopt, the fact that in less than a month i’ll be living with NO anxiety. i can’t describe how liberating that will be.

no one on this planet understands the extent of my anxiety and only two people know exactly what causes it. as soon as the fucking bastards are gone, life is going to change. the house will become our home.  <3 finally.

what i’m looking forward to most in the upcoming month:

• two words - master bedroom [w/it's own bathroom!!!]
• adopting a kitten <3 i can’t tell you how long i’ve waited to get a kitty. it’s finally going to happen! we’re going to END PETLESSNESS! :D
• guest bathroom. with no roomies, the front bathroom will be for guests only. i’m going to repaint and decorate it and then never worry about it again. :)
• i’m going to have a CLOSET!! i can hang my clothes again!!
• our current room (two-part attic) is going to be turned into my craft room - sewing table, craft supplies, reading corner, computer, etc. =) my own personal space, loves it.
• spare bedroom - i think so far we’re going to use that as our “office” with our computer and desk, etc. haven’t decided for sure yet.
• driveway parking - no more maneuvering around the stupid van, no more parking on the street when the driveway’s full of people.
• the kitchen - we can make food whenever we want instead of waiting for the kitchen to be free, no more microwave dinners when the fucking roommies are making gourmet 3-course meals, no more waking up to the awful smell of their breakfasts.
• no more waking up to a roomfull of cigarette smoke from the roomie smoking in his fucking room.

and the number one thing i’m looking forward to in all this?

• going home to ABSOLUTELY NO ANXIETY!! no roomies to cause panic attacks, no noise to drown out with constant fans, no more stress of living with people i can’t stand.

 i still can’t believe it, it’s finally happening. i think i’m still in shock - we’re finally going to be all by ourselves! just HP and i in a 3 bedroom house with a huge garage. our life is finally coming together. <3

well it’s official, so i’m assuming that means i’m free to blog about it - our roommates are moving out!! they’re signing on the 7th and will be out by the end of next month!! in a little more than a month, HP and i are going to be living all by ourselves, just like we’ve been dreaming of! this is GREAT news!!

so. not only do we get to move into the ginormous master bedroom (with it’s own bathroom!!!!), but i get to keep our attic room for my crafting!! w00t! i’m going to get a bookcase and another sewing table, it’s going to be glorious. i can’t wait. no more hauling the vacuum and/or laundry up and down two flights of stairs, no more cold showers, no more ANXIETY!! omfg. i’m about to burst i’m so excited.

so yay - it’s finally happening; our ideal situation. we’re keeping the house. all to ourselves. =)

i have wonderful, completely unexpected (and very scary) news. yes, all at once. i’m a melting pot of emotions. i wish i could blurt it out, but i can’t just yet. i’ll write more when we know for absolute sure.

i’d love to vent right now but HP is trying to sleep and typing for hours would be rude and keep him awake. this weekend has been eventful and compltely unexpected. wow. i think i’m still in shock.

can’t type now, but i will. oh i will. ^_^

i’m sitting in the living room on my own couch. everyone is around me and no one knows what i’m writing. it’s actually quite liberating. it’s like my little secret. to share with myself. i love it.

i’m watching HPs ginormous tv. sort of. i’m absent-mindedly watching the daily show. it entertains me. john stewart. he’s a funny guy. he’s not getting many laughs tonight. i wonder if he hates his job.

i have a mohawk again. i have to admit, it’s fun to get reactions again. it’s amazing how a hair style can change how the general public perceives you. it’s almost unnerving. the weird part? it doesn’t phase me. i even forget that i have it most of the time. hell, i can’t see my own hair. but even when i’m thinking about it, i think nothing of it. it’s just hair, it’s just a haircut. many of my friends and coworkers love it. i wish everyone were so open-minded.

i can’t stop cracking out on ravelry. seriously, i’m fighting obsession. HA. now steven colbert is wearing fingerless gloves. jan lamper from midland, michigan made them. i can’t believe he’s actually wearing them - except that he’s making fun of her now. not directly, but indirectly. i think that’s very funny. it makes me smile. does that make me a horrible person?

i feel like i’m having somewhat of an identity crisis. when i look in the mirror, i don’t see what i expect, i guess. and i’m not talking about my weight or my height, i mean my face. my hair. i’ve lost almost complete interest in makeup  and i’m starting to think it’s caused (or contributed) to depression. SAD maybe? who knows. i’m just having a tough time. i can’t wait for summer.  

we finished the second disc of Dexter last night. the first season of course. it took 3 or 4 episodes to decide how i felt about the show, but i have to admit i’m hooked now. it’s creepy and disturbing and made me so uncomfortable last night that i had a mild panic attack - but for some reason, i can’t stop watching it. i want to know what happens, i want to find out where he’s going with this. it’s like watching a car wreck - you know it can’t be good, but you’re eyes are glued to it until it’s over. yeah, something like that.

i went home an hour early from work yesterday with horribly out of control stomach issues. i drove straight home and (after a 10 minute bout in the bathroom) curled up in bed with my heating pad over my stupid intestines. an hour or so later when i’d gotten the pain under control again, HP and i headed downstairs and made homeade pumpkin pie, crust and all! i’m on a mush-only diet until my crohn’s flare-up is over and pumpkin pie is the yummiest mush we could come up with. went back to bed with two pieces of our warm pie and watched Dexter until i fell asleep. it was relaxing and there was an abundance of cuddle-time with HP. he really is therapeutic. =) at least for me… hehe

i’m totally unmotivated when i’m not feeling well. it takes every ounce of energy and effort just to get out of bed in the morning. even on the weekends when we sleep in, HP is up and out of bed much earlier than i am. it takes me a while, i just like to lay there suffocating in my own warmth and comfort. there’s something incredibly comforting about being lazy in bed. it makes even stressful times less… well, stressful.

i can’t believe today’s only tuesday. *heavy sigh*

well i spent the majority of the weekend curled up with my stupid crohns wishing i were dead. ok, maybe not literally dead, but wishing i were healthy, that’s for sure. *le-sigh* HP was wonderful, always there to hold and comfort me when i am at my worst. i’m a very lucky girl.

so my ‘hawk is back. lol HP shaved it into a mohawk again last saturday. he’s my personal stylist in training, it’s great. it was his idea and i went with it. lol it’s great fun. at the store yesterday he let me know that my wardrobe doesn’t match my hair anymore and i told him that’s the beauty of it! i’m original and i <3 it. =)

ok ok back to work. ugh. i’m eating breakfast now, we’ll see if i can even function once the cramping starts. *sigh* i’m doomed. and i can’t afford to miss a single minute of work. :’( woe is me.

does life have to be so hard?? :’(

i’m running head-on into a crohn’s flare-up. *looks down* matter of fact, i’m already knee deep. fuck. the lower left side of my intestines feels like someone has a steak knife jabbing around in there. last night was miserable. i got a lot of knitting done and even managed to stop by mi madre’s house for a visit, but i was in pain even with the constant Motrin i’d been pounding since i got off work. idk what triggered it, but i’ve officially pissed it off, it is NOT happy with me. everything i eat feels like broken glass when it gets to my intestines - i can follow where it is in my digestive system and give you a play-by-play of it’s progress down my intestines. i hate it. sometimes i think about the years i spent growing up before being diagnosed with crohns. at least then i lived a virtually pain-free life. now its all i can do to stay sitting in one position for longer than a few minutes without extreme discomfort and when the cramps start, it surpasses discomfort and goes straight to serious pain.

i put myself on a mushy-food only diet starting last night. that seems to be the only remedy for these flare-ups. i have100% paid medical, but can’t afford to fill a prescription with our finances the way they are and i know the medication available takes 6 months to a year to actually make a difference. when i’m having a flare-up, i don’t have 6 months to a year to wait - and the side effects alone are enough to make me run screaming the opposite direction. i want relief now. for now, motrin and i will be very, very close friends. that will just have to do.