Today is The Day. The day I’ve been dreading for 12 long months. The day I wasn’t sure I could make it through in one piece (I’m still not sure). Exactly one year ago today one of my closest friends died in a motorcycle accident. Just like that, she was gone forever.

I’ve tried several times today to put my thoughts into words for you to read; to explain how I feel to the world on this somber day. Try as I may, I have failed.

It hurts so much. Today is an unbelievably sad day.

*I can’t take credit for picking out this video; Sandi sent it to me earlier today and I haven’t stopped listening to it since. Snow Patrol is new to me, but I cannot get over how moving this song is - the lyrics are amazing. I’m glad she shared it with me, and now I’m passing it along to you in case you haven’t heard it yet, either. Enjoy.♥

10 more days and it will be The Day. As in the anniversary of The Worst Day Of My Life. In just 10 days, Heather will have been gone from us for a full year.

It still hurts so much. I miss her. :’(

Dear Heather,

I’ve spent a lot of time stuck in traffic lately. I mean BAD traffic. Traffic that doesn’t move for ten minutes at a time. Sometimes in ninety degree heat while my A/C isn’t working and I’m convinced my car will overheat at the worst possible moment. (Thankfully it hasn’t.)

I’ve spent a considerable amount of that time stuck in traffic next to, in front of, diagonal to, and right behind motorcycles that looks just like yours.

Every single time I see one, my heart breaks for you. The scene of your accident — that I obviously couldn’t have seen — flashes before my eyes and I feel like I can’t breathe. My mind plays it like a movie, over and over. It makes my stomach hurt.

It’s been almost one year; I can’t believe it. I miss you and I still can’t believe you’re gone.They say if a person dies in a great tragedy they often stick around. Well, if you’re here, I hope you know how missed you are.

It’s too bad you aren’t here; you would have laughed your ass off at the story of what I just did this afternoon. And I totally wish you were here to help me figure out what I should go to school for.What the heck am I good at? What would best suit me as a career?

Sigh. Of course you can’t answer. I just wish you were here, that’s all.

I’m sending my love to wherever you are (and hoping you’re reading this as I type).

Love you always,
Ester

For the past week or two I’ve felt relieved. I thought I’d made a final decision. I was finally giving my lifelong dream of being a licensed Cosmetologist a rightful chance. I was going for it — chasing my dream. That is, until a few days ago.

Let’s start with some back story.

I’ve been THISCLOSE to starting beauty school twice now; a few years ago I even went so far as to pay the admission fee to officially enroll. But in the end, when it came right down to it, Sam and I realized it just wasn’t financially feasible at the time. The week before my first day of class, I called the admissions department at the beauty school I’d chosen and politely retracted my approved application. The whole situation was just stressful.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and the steady 9-5′r I’ve held for the past 3.5 years suddenly came to an end. After basking in the awesomeness that is not having a job for a few days, I sat down and really started to think about what I want to do with myself in this one life I’m living — was I going to continue working desk jobs for little pay or was I going to progress myself into a position where I both earn and deserve a better living than I was making before?

The choice seemed an obvious one, but the decision-making part has proved quite difficult.

I’m hesitant to make a final decision, and I keep putting it off. I’ve toured countless schools, met with numerous counselors and financial aid advisers, and I even have 2 more schools left to tour, but no one else is going to make my mind up for me. This is my life we’re talking about here; my career; my way of contributing and supporting myself.

And the way I see it, if I’m going to change anything at all, I either change it like WHOA or not change it at ALL. Go big or go home.

And that’s where I feel like I’m at right now — I’m looking straight ahead, but there’s no road in front of me. To the left is the road to beauty, fashion, and a snobby, gossip and money-driven lifestyle that I just don’t quite fit. To the right is the endless possibility of “regular” college - graphics designer, web designer, documentary filmmaker, best-selling author (hey, we can all dream, right?), who knows where I’d end up - all I have to do is make the decision.

In my best Chris Rock voice, “Man, why decisions gotta be so damn hard to make?”

In all it’s awkward glory, here’s my video shout-out to those of you wonderful enough to read what I have to say.

View my first video post below!

After six long months of working out and changing my diet, I’ve finally lost enough weight that I’m below the 200 pound mark. Right now, right this very second, I weigh 198 lbs. I honestly cannot find the words to explain how great that feels.

Though I’m still a plus-size girl, I’m slowly but surely losing the weight I gained after high school. And the less I weigh, the smaller and smaller my pants size — so far I’ve gone from a size 20 to a 16 — and the smaller my pants size, the more and more proud I feel about my hard work and determination.

On January 13th when I decided I was finally ready to change my lifestyle, I weighed in at 234 lbs. So far I’ve lost a total of 36 pounds and counting. 36 pounds lost, only 38 more to go!

Today has felt rather strange, to be honest. After 3.5 years of going to work every Monday through Friday, it feels foreign for me to be home today. Since having lost my job yesterday, I’ve:

• Filed for unemployment
• Put some gas in my car
• Updated my resume
• Job hunted
• Shaved my legs
• Waxed my eyebrows
• Cleaned up a huge pile of cat puke
• Considered dying my hair back to a “normal” color, but then decided against it (for now)
• Put together a couple interview-worthy outfits
• Cleaned up the kitchen and living room
• Started doing our massive amounts of laundry that have piled up
• Watched  a considerable amount of trashy TV

I also found that despite how desperately I was looking forward to sleeping in until the wee hours of the afternoon today, I totally can’t. I was wide awake by 8:00 am. That’s not sleeping in!

From here, I plan to give the kitties a long-overdue bath, and then hit the gym while I can still afford my membership. I could use a really hard workout right now; I need to get some of this frustration, anxiety, and excitement out in a positive way. I can feel it boiling up inside of me.

I was raised pretty traditionally: A woman grows up and finds a man to marry. After marrying, she settles down, works hard, pops out a few kids to pass along the family lines, and then she lives happily ever after with her husband, rocking the years away on His & Hers rocking chairs on the front porch drinking fresh squeezed lemonade while watching the sunset. Ha, yeah right.

The problem with this plan is that it just doesn’t happen much anymore. That’s not how life typically ends up these days.

So knowing this, — knowing that most marriages this day and age end in divorce, often within the first 5 years — and myself already having been married and divorced by the time I was 19 years old (don’t judge if you don’t know the story), why do I still feel so compelled to marry? Why do I feel like less of a person when I have to say that I’m a “girlfriend” instead of a “wife”? Why do I feel like if I don’t get married I’m a total failure in life? Why do I feel like we’re not a real family until we’re married? I know that’s not true.

If I know that marriage is just a piece of paper, a set of pretty rings, and a tax break, why do I want it so badly? It makes no fucking sense, even to me.

There is, however, another piece of my opinion on marriage and it’s equally as important and frustrating as the first. A very big part of me wants to fight the entire idea of marriage until the day it becomes legal for ALL Americans to marry, not just the heterosexuals. I feel so passionately that ALL people should have the exact same legal rights, so when I think of the sanctity of marriage in those terms, it’s extremely selfish of me to marry when I know there are thousands of people out there that would love nothing more than to do just that — and they legally can’t. Because of something so trivial as their own personal sexual orientation. (How the fuck is that not discrimination at it’s most blatant and disgusting? Have we learned nothing since the days of slavery and gender discrimination?)

It certainly isn’t fair that I have the right to marry simply because I’m currently in a heterosexual relationship, and I have a very serious problem with that.

I’ll be honest, my own blatant contradiction on this subject plagues me to no end.

I’m crossing off another of my 101 Things To Do In 1001 Days list by listing 100 things that make me happy:

1. The scent of rain.
2. The scent of Sam’s t-shirt when he holds me close.
3. My kitties.
4. Knitting and Ravelry.com
5. Cashmere, silk, and merino wool yarn.
6. French manicures.
7. Warm sunshine on my skin.
8. Ridiculously huge movie star sunglasses.
9. All of my tattoos.
10. Tank tops and flip flops in the summer.
11. My besties; you know who you are.
12. Skype dates with my sister.
13. Road trips with Sam.
14. Sleeping in for as long as my body wants to.
15. Watching Gir wait until I’m fully dried off after a shower to give me kitty hugs. (He sits on the bathroom counter every time I shower, and as soon as I’m dried off he throws his little kitty arms around my neck and snuggles me for at least 3 minutes before he lets me go. It’s one of my favorite things on the planet.)
16. Getting home after a long day of work.
17. Laying in the sun on the beach.
18. Soaking in the hot tub after a hard workout at the gym.
19. Getting lost in a really good book.
20. Driving around in my hot little head-turner.
21. MAC makeup.
22. Smoke breaks.
23. Summertime adventures.
24. Driving with the windows down in 80 degree heat.
25. Cuddling with Sam.
26. CG kids movies like Wall-E, Finding Nemo, and Up.
27. Crawling into bed with fresh sheets and blankets.
28. Netflix delivering movies to my door.
29. Happy hour sushi.
30. YoCream.
31. Walking barefoot in the sand.
32. Jumping in the water on a super hot day.
33. Random “fan mail” from my blog readers.
34. Knitting breaks with Kristin at work.
35. Texting and IM’ing with my friends still living in Alaska.
36. Getting random “I love you” emails from Sam while we’re both at work.
37. Saying the exact same thing at the same time as someone else in a funny conversation.
38. Creating lists, like the one I’m making right now.
39. Seeing movies in the cheap theaters.
40. Watching other people play, pet, and interact with my cats. (Sounds weird, but they are literally my children.)
41. Those Mr. Sketch markers that smell delicious.
42. Thai iced tea with boba.
43. Taking off my socks and shoes after a long day.
44. Listening to my favorite songs on my mp3 player while I’m at the gym.
45. Laying on my tummy.
46. Snuggling up in a bunch of blankets and pillows on the couch.
47. Sitting around a campfire after dark.
48. S’mores.
49. Laying on those blow-up floating lounge chairs in the water.
50. Mike’s hard cranberry and Smirnoff Pomegranate 6-packs.
51. Oregon Lottery crossword scratch-its.
52. Yummy perfume and body sprays.
53. Tanning.
54. Wearing and showing off the things I’ve knit.
55. Shopping.
56. Blogging.
57. Taking pictures, editing them, and sharing them with others.
58. The fact that I’ve now successfully waxed my own eyebrows for nearly a year. And I’m actually quite good at it.
59. Mother-Daughter dates.
60. Phone calls home to my parents, grandparents, and siblings.
61. Girl time.
62. Alone time.
63. Treating someone else to lunch/dinner/coffee, etc.
64. Successfully making an edible dinner.
65. Heart to heart talks.
66. Mind numbingly amazing sex.
67. Bold, chunky jewelry.
68. When Sam kisses my forehead.
69. Changing my hair color and/or style on a whim.
70. Scratching Sam’s back right after I get my nails done.
71. Feeling loved every single day of my life.
72. Waking up to my favorite person on the planet almost every single day.
73. TacoBell chicken burritos.
74. Platform sandals.
75. Nail polish.
76. Coffee.
77. Bagels without holes.
78. Keeping up on the blogs I like to read.
79. Hot showers when I’m cold and cold showers when I’m hot.
80. Singing along to songs I love.
81. When Sam tells me he loves me.
82. Friday afternoons.
83. When Sam sings love songs to me.
84. Stategically weaving through lanes to pass a million cars in rush hour traffic.
85. Dressing up for a date night.
86. Netflix Instant Play.
87. Hilarious puns.
88. Making dinner with friends.
89. Coffee shops.
90. When Sam introduces me as his girlfriend; it still makes me feel special.
91. Perusing prospective knitting patterns and photos of other knitter’s projects.
92. Getting email from friends I’ve lost touch with.
93. Giving and receiving gifts.
94. Making something for someone else to enjoy.
95. Mean Girls and Office Space.
96. Relaxing.
97. Hot tea on a cold, rainy day.
98. Malabrigo yarn.
99. Twisted, my favorite local yarn shop.
100. Ice cold apple juice.

So, what makes YOU happy?

Dear Heather,

It’s been a long while since the last time I wrote to you. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. I suppose it could be neither. I’ve thought about you so many times over the past few weeks that I’ve now repeatedly burst into tears while:

• driving
• grocery shopping
• and listening to “Ohio is for Lovers” by Hawthorne Heights

I used to think there was a good chance that you were still “with us”, for lack of a better term. So much so that my last letter asked you to leave. I mean, I obviously know you aren’t HERE, as in living and breathing on the same planet that I am, but a huge part of me very seriously considered the possibility that you might be able to hear me when I talk to you. Or read what I’ve written to you as I type it.

But now, I’m just not so sure.

It’s not like any one thing happened to make me stop thinking that you are watching, listening, seeing. It’s just that the “feeling” I had before? I don’t have it now. I don’t FEEL like you are with me, or that you can hear me when I talk to you. I don’t feel like you are watching or that you have read all the letters I’ve written to you, sobbing as my fingers pitter-patter over my laptop keys.  

Maybe what I’m asking for is a sign - something to prove to me that you are still here. But deep down, I don’t believe that’s likely. My science-driven brain just can’t make sense of it. It isn’t very logical. But on the same token, the flipside argument is that no one really knows. Not a single scientist can say without a shadow of a doubt that humans DO or DO NOT live on (in some way) after death. And because we cannot possibly know one way or the other, I will keep my hopes up. I will continue to look for you, to listen for you, and to be aware of myself and my surroundings, so that I don’t close the door of opportunity forever.

I still love you, Heather. And I still expect you to text me back and log on to Skype, nearly a year after your sudden death. I know those things won’t happen, but I still find myself expecting them. It has gotten easier as the months pass, but it’s still completely unbelievable when I really let myself think about it. Instead, I try not to.

Summer is coming, and that means the 1 year anniversary of your death is just 3 months away. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without you.

I still can’t believe you’re gone.